Reflections

I know that friendships come and go.  I know that we go through stages, phases and chapters throughout our lives and the people we thought we'd be with forever, just aren't there at the end. 

I understand that we all go through changes and our stories twist and turn along the way.  I guess I just miss old friendships and I miss having those girls that I could always call when I just needed to talk.  I don't have them anymore.  I have no one to call.

As I have been sitting and thinking about all of this for days on end, I realize that the thing that probably changed the most, was me.

 I stopped calling, I didn't stop by when they were home from college, I didn't go out with them when it was a girls' night out....I just wasn't there. I wasn't there for them at times when they needed me. I simply dropped the ball when it came to being a good friend. 

We were still young, they were in college, I was having babies.  I was married, they were starting to date and possibly met the guy they were going to marry.  I was changing diapers and washing bottles, they were out drinking and dancing the nights away.  I was at home, they were at college. 

It goes beyond that, though.  Looking back, there were so many times when I should have been there.  After the bad breakup, he broke her heart and I didn't say much.  I didn't run to her side to just be there.  I sucked so bad at being a true friend. 

I went through a stage of anxiety and depression and for the most part, no one really knew.  Well, no one knew the depths of the depression because I hid it so well.  I was still taking the kids to the library, the park and doing all the normal mommy stuff to ensure my kids were having fun.  I was still laughing and smiling on the outside while wanting to crawl in a dark corner and never come out. I really don't know if it was post-partum depression or if it was just a bout of depression.  I tried to fight it off, I didn't want to have to see anyone about it or talk about it.  I hid it. Until I couldn't anymore. 

It may seem like I am getting off track but if you have dealt with depression or if you can imagine that your life was crumbling right before your eyes, you would understand how hard it would be to go be with friends and hang out or even just go be around other people. 

My life wasn't as exciting, it wasn't as glamorous, I wasn't good enough.  It was, I just didn't think it was, or I didn't think they would want to be around me.  I was not worthy.  So I began to call less, I began to make excuses as to why I just couldn't go. "I didn't have a sitter"......because I never asked. "Chuck is working late"......he's sitting next to me. 

How in the world could I explain what I was feeling or what the heck was going on when I couldn't even explain it to myself?

I still have a ton of insecurities and sometimes I still feel inferior or not worthy but I am getting better and it has been years since I weaned myself off of medication.  I am working on me. One of the biggest regrets of my life is the fact that I let those friendships go.  I made other people feel like they weren't important to me. I hate myself for allowing that to happen.  How stupid, how insensitive. I don't know if I am past that point in my life though, where I can allow myself to feel good enough. 

One of my mantras while I am working out is you are worth it.  I wish I always believed myself and could open up to those friends and offer my apologies and wish and pray to be able to restore them. Maybe someday but for now, I'm still not ready.  Bottom line, I'm afraid.  I fear their reactions. Reflecting on the past, can be therapeutic and help you understand where you are now...and it can tear you apart when you realize that some of the hardest things in life, were because of you.