Thursday, July 10, 2014

Letting Go of Control

I am very much a control freak.  I like things to be organized and orderly and I like to know details.  This is why I usually volunteer to handle things, that way, I know how things will go.  However, I am learning to let go a bit.  I still get a twitch when things aren't explained to me in detail and I want to know what is going on, when and how.

Tonight, Jada is going to be sleeping over at her friend's house so that they can leave early tomorrow morning for a week long trip to the beach. She will be gone for 8 days and it is going to be weird.  She has never been away from home for that long and she has never gone anywhere with a friend for more than two days.  I did get lots of details from the parents so I do feel comfortable about her being with them for that long, I just worry that she will get homesick.  She said she is afraid of the same thing but I'm sure she is going to be having so much fun and she will be at the most favorite place on earth so I will be spending the week jealous of her!

Next weekend, Chuckie is going to be going away for the entire weekend with one of his coaches for a lacrosse tournament in Niagara Falls, NY.  This will be his first weekend away from us.  I don't know the details yet but I do know that he is in good hands.  He knows everyone on the team and they will be getting the boys together outside of the lacrosse games for swimming and probably a meal or two.  Chuckie has never seen the falls so I am silently struggling with the fact that he gets to see that without us.  He has always wanted to see the falls though so I am happy that he has the chance to go.  We decided to stay back because it is going to save us a large amount of money by just sending him.  I know he will have fun and will be busy with practicing and at least 5-6 games over the weekend.  We expect that he will get back late on Sunday.

So how am I coping with these two things?  I am trying to reassure myself that everything will be okay and they will have fun and they won't miss us too much.  I am starting to show signs of my anxiety coming back but it is only temporary.  Once they are gone, I will be okay.  It is just the time leading up to it all.  It may seem silly to some people that this will bother me but I am always involved in everything my kids do so letting go is not easy for me. Plus, I think part of it is that I want to experience these things with them.

I have been dealing with the fact that my older kids are getting older and more independent.  In a few years, they will be done with high school and moving on with their lives. I know it is a part of life but it is so hard to think that they could move away....even for college or other schooling.  I feel like I am running out of time and I just want to bottle it all up and save it for a lifetime.

I know I need to let go....not totally though.  I am still right there whispering to behave, to mind their manners and to have fun, to use caution, be aware of their surroundings and to take in the moments that make them happy.  I've had fourteen years of those moments and they are all held close to my heart, visions of them as vivid as if they were yesterday.

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