A Brand New Me

Alicia Keys came out with a song that has really struck a chord with me.  I listen to the words and I start to feel a bit emotional.  Not all of the words apply to me but a lot of them do. 

For years, I stood in the shadow of everyone else.  I am a wife of someone that everyone knows so I have always been his girlfriend or wife.  I am a mom of three so I am always someone's mom. I am a sister so I am always someone's sister.  I have never been me, just me.

As the kids are getting older and I am finding more time to find myself and who I am outside of the shadows, I am starting to like me.  I am starting to find what makes me tick, what makes me angry and what makes me truly happy.  I have found the brand new me.  It's not so much that I am changing, I'd like to think that I am evolving into who I have always been.  I have just been hidden.

I feel like I have always had the potential to be this person, but I wasn't allowing myself to open up to be who I am.  I have always been taking care of everyone else.  I have never put myself first. That has changed in some ways.

My husband has always supported me in anything that I have done.  We discuss things and when I say I want to do something, he has my back.  So all of the lyrics don't apply as I said.  However, a lot of the times, I based what I wanted to do on what he was doing.  I always put aside my desires for the sake of my husband or kids.  I still do that but not all the time.  I have to start putting myself first when I can. 

My mantra has been, you are worth it. So, when I want something and I start to doubt myself, I repeat that phrase to reassure myself that it is okay. 

I have been told by someone that loves me that I am different but it wasn't coming as a compliment.  It came as more of an accusation.  I am not doing bad things, I am not off getting into trouble or trying to be something I'm not.  I am evolving into a different person in many ways but it is for the better. 

Don't be mad, it's just a brand new kind of me

Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free

It took a long long time to get here

It took a brave, brave girl to try

 If I talk a little louder

If I speak up when you're wrong

If I walk a little taller

I'd been under you too long

If you noticed that I'm different

Don't take it personally

 These lines resonate with me as I have always been the quiet one, the doormat to so many.  I was the one that always said yes to everyone else, even if it meant I was putting myself last. 

Hey hey hey, if you were a friend, you'd wanna get know me again

If you were worth the while

You'd be happy to see me smile

I'm not expecting sorry

I'm too busy finding myself

I got this

I found me, I found me, yeah

I'm happy I found me.  Finally.

 

Circles

Do you ever feel like your life is just one, big revolving door?  Somedays, I feel like I am on a wheel and I keep going around in circles.  Life is always busy, even when it isn't a busy day, we are forever busy.

The next few weeks are going to be so busy for us, as a family, that I am going to be wondering if I am coming or going.  The school year is coming to a close and with that, comes a lot of end of the year activities for the kids.  We have a fair, chorus concert, fun days, field trips and the end of running club.  There are only 14 days of school left so there is a light at the end of the tunnel but then it opens up to wide open days where there are no plans for the kids.

I usually think that it makes life so much easier when they don't have school but I'm not sure that is the case when I am working.  I could continue to work in the afternoon into the evening but I would love to work late morning to late afternoon instead.  There are two days a week where I will be working from 8:30am until 5-6pm so those days will be long days for me. I will probably see if the kids can go to hang out somewhere with someone so that they are not home alone all day when I start work at 10:00am.  The days that I work at the gym, the kids can go there with me and those days they will be home alone for a very short time until Chuck gets home from work.

The juggling is getting old and I foresee that in the fall I am going to talk about how it will be easier when the kids go back to school but for now, I am looking forward to less of a schedule with the end of school, after school activities, evening activities and bus drop offs.

Eventually, the wheel will seem less like a wheel and more like a well-oiled machine.

Yesterday, for Mother's Day, Jada wrote in her card that, "You are Superwoman, even when things get crazy you still manage to not freak out." Oh, if only she knew.  Her card made me cry, like I had to rush into the bathroom so they all wouldn't see me bawling.

I am trying to remain stress free lately and just go with the flow of life.  There are so many things that I cannot change so why fight it, right?  I'm riding the wheel, for now.

Inspired and Determined

This weekend I experienced working with the ladies from The Flipbelt at the Pittsburgh Marathon Health & Fitness Expo.  It was fun, it was busy and the ladies were so great.  I hope to work with them again in the future at other events!  It is such a great product and I was so honored to help them.

At the expo, I talked to so many people and most were people that had either run the 5k that morning or were going to be running in the Marathon, whether they were running the full or half.  It was inspiring and awesome. 

I know a few people personally that ran and it was so awesome to read their reactions and pride that they felt afterward. 

They inspired me even more.  I have decided to train for a 10k that is happening near my house.  It is on July 6th so I have 9 weeks to train.  I have looked online and I found a customizable training schedule that I am going to start next week.  It is an 8 week program that will ease me in to running the 6.2 miles needed to complete the 10k.  I am so excited and nervous.  I plan on using my compression socks and really diving in full force so that I can prove to myself that I can do this. 

Chuck said that he will train and do the 10k with me so we will be training in the evenings since I work in the afternoons.  I would have rather done my training in the mornings but if he would like to do it too, I won't be denying him that!  I will welcome the company. 

I am also starting another fitness challenge with Kat and her Fitness Rebooted group so that will add to my workouts.  It will be interesting to see how much my body changes during this training adventure. Hopefully it makes me stronger and leaner.  This will take me to the point of my brother's wedding so the timing is perfect!

Worker Bee

This week has been busy.  I started working my second part time job and it isn't bad, it just makes me move around my schedule a bit.

 I work in the mornings at the gym nursery so I will be enjoying snuggling little ones and telling the older kids to "stop running!" "give that back to her/him!" "don't throw that at her/him!"  I work there on the days that I don't have to pick up the little boy I drive to kindergarten.  This means that I have a little more time and don't have to rush to get him. 

I have been juggling a schedule since January when I started my first job and it has worked out pretty well so far.  This new job (or new hours since I have been working there subbing for people since October) just means that I add one more thing to the mix. 

I always look forward to my weekends since I don't work on the weekends but tomorrow I will be working at a booth at the Pittsburgh Marathon Health and Fitness Expo all day.  I applied to have this opportunity with this great company called The Flipbelt and I am so very excited to work with them and see what their product is all about. 

I will be there from 9am until 6pm so it will undoubtedly be a long day but I'm sure I will have a chance to walk around and check out the other booths which is something I am also looking forward to.  I am hoping to find some other great products that can help me reach my goals, make my runs a little easier (which the Flipbelt will) and just be out with all these other health and fitness minded people! 

So even though I won't be at my regular job, I will be working all day on my day off.  I'm such a worker bee!

Digging Out

I have no idea why, but I seem to be stuck in a rut.  I haven't been exercising or running like I was just a few weeks ago, I'm not smiling as much, I am feeling so out of it lately.  It sucks and I plan on bouncing back one way or another this week.  I cannot afford to be stuck in a place that is dark. 

I plan on working out daily and trying to run at the very least a mile a day. I have been slacking with the April challenges I was doing. I haven't done all my squats and I haven't done all my running.  The beauty of it all is, that I can start today and continue on with it.  I don't get to go backward but I can go forward so that is what I am choosing to do.

We've had setbacks personally that have really made my days a little harder, my smiles a little more hidden and my attitude less than stellar.  Today is a new day!

I am going to get out there and one of my tasks today is to make someone else smile.  I have a plan to carry that task out so we will see if it works for me. 

That is all.  Not much more to share for now. How are YOU doing? 

Ready for the Celebration

My baby brother is getting married in July.  It's hard to think that the baby of the family is going to have a wife and they will start a life together and eventually, have a family of their own.  My brother is eight years younger than me so he truly is a baby brother.  He is 26 years old and has been with Amanda for 5-6 years.  I was pregnant with Lincoln when they started dating!

Anyway, things are starting to get close and we are having the bridal shower this Saturday so we are busy getting things ready for that and I am so excited. I love parties, gatherings, showers, well any excuse to get together really.  I'm sure it is going to be beautiful and fun.  Her matron of honor has been working so hard on this shower for months and I know she has some great things in store for Amanda, which warms my heart. 

I am in charge of the games so of course I hit up Pinterest for ideas and I hope everyone enjoys them.  I picked some fun ones! I've been cutting out man heads from magazines for one game, cutting out construction paper crowns and mustaches for another and have to price household items for another game!  I'm having fun just getting them ready! 

The wedding invitations have gone out and even those are so cute and fun.  I love the fact that a line on the RSVP card says, "Here's your chance, which songs make you dance?" There are two lines for song choices that you want to hear...so great so that they know what songs to play so everyone can have their favorite songs played!

I am going to bridal shower shopping tomorrow (I know, I am waiting until the last minute!) I plan to buy from their registry but when it comes time for a wedding gift, I'm going with something not on the registry.  I am going for something fun, personal for them and special.  No, I don't know what it is exactly yet but I will figure it out! Only 85 more days. 

They are getting married and having the reception at a local park and so they are inviting people to feel free to play a pickup game of basketball or volleyball, allow the kids to play on the playground or roam the grounds of the park. They are keeping it casual to really stress the fact that it is truly a celebration, not a show. 

I cannot wait to call this girl my sister!

I do still have work to do to look good on the wedding day for my duty as a bridesmaid but I will get there....it's crunch time!

And, for you.....here's a picture of the couple getting married:

My brother, Jesse and my future sister-in-law, Amanda!

Reflections

I know that friendships come and go.  I know that we go through stages, phases and chapters throughout our lives and the people we thought we'd be with forever, just aren't there at the end. 

I understand that we all go through changes and our stories twist and turn along the way.  I guess I just miss old friendships and I miss having those girls that I could always call when I just needed to talk.  I don't have them anymore.  I have no one to call.

As I have been sitting and thinking about all of this for days on end, I realize that the thing that probably changed the most, was me.

 I stopped calling, I didn't stop by when they were home from college, I didn't go out with them when it was a girls' night out....I just wasn't there. I wasn't there for them at times when they needed me. I simply dropped the ball when it came to being a good friend. 

We were still young, they were in college, I was having babies.  I was married, they were starting to date and possibly met the guy they were going to marry.  I was changing diapers and washing bottles, they were out drinking and dancing the nights away.  I was at home, they were at college. 

It goes beyond that, though.  Looking back, there were so many times when I should have been there.  After the bad breakup, he broke her heart and I didn't say much.  I didn't run to her side to just be there.  I sucked so bad at being a true friend. 

I went through a stage of anxiety and depression and for the most part, no one really knew.  Well, no one knew the depths of the depression because I hid it so well.  I was still taking the kids to the library, the park and doing all the normal mommy stuff to ensure my kids were having fun.  I was still laughing and smiling on the outside while wanting to crawl in a dark corner and never come out. I really don't know if it was post-partum depression or if it was just a bout of depression.  I tried to fight it off, I didn't want to have to see anyone about it or talk about it.  I hid it. Until I couldn't anymore. 

It may seem like I am getting off track but if you have dealt with depression or if you can imagine that your life was crumbling right before your eyes, you would understand how hard it would be to go be with friends and hang out or even just go be around other people. 

My life wasn't as exciting, it wasn't as glamorous, I wasn't good enough.  It was, I just didn't think it was, or I didn't think they would want to be around me.  I was not worthy.  So I began to call less, I began to make excuses as to why I just couldn't go. "I didn't have a sitter"......because I never asked. "Chuck is working late"......he's sitting next to me. 

How in the world could I explain what I was feeling or what the heck was going on when I couldn't even explain it to myself?

I still have a ton of insecurities and sometimes I still feel inferior or not worthy but I am getting better and it has been years since I weaned myself off of medication.  I am working on me. One of the biggest regrets of my life is the fact that I let those friendships go.  I made other people feel like they weren't important to me. I hate myself for allowing that to happen.  How stupid, how insensitive. I don't know if I am past that point in my life though, where I can allow myself to feel good enough. 

One of my mantras while I am working out is you are worth it.  I wish I always believed myself and could open up to those friends and offer my apologies and wish and pray to be able to restore them. Maybe someday but for now, I'm still not ready.  Bottom line, I'm afraid.  I fear their reactions. Reflecting on the past, can be therapeutic and help you understand where you are now...and it can tear you apart when you realize that some of the hardest things in life, were because of you.